Wednesday, January 9, 2013

There was a time that my life revolved around my son's addiction. 
It seems like I was either trying to prevent the next crisis or cleaning up the mess of the previous one. There were short periods where my son was sober for several months but I was unable to relax and enjoy my life because I was preparing for the next crisis. I lived my life feeling anxious and depressed. That has changed for me. Through my own recovery I came to realize that my son was grown now and although he was living a very risky lifestyle, it was HIS life to live. It didn't matter how much I loved him, or how much I feared losing him, I could never change the course of his life. That was HIS JOB
What I could change was THE COURSE OF MY LIFE. I came to see that his addiction had taken me down a dark and  bumpy road, but I didn't have to stay there. I have heard it said, "Let go or be dragged", and that was what I decided to do. I decided if I was going to have a purposeful life I needed to let go of my son and follow the path that brought joy and meaning into my life. I think I had to accept that the path that my son was on could lead to his death and I had no control over that. I had to live my life in a way that I would be able to go on if I lost my son. It was not easy. I had a lot of grieving to do. I had to accept that the dreams I had for my son may never come true but that I could and would dream new dreams.
  I saw my life as a gift that I had been wasting. I began to see the blessings in my life that I had taken for granted. I saw that I had other family members who loved me and needed me present in their lives. I saw that  I had been missing out on sharing precious moments in their lives because I was not emotionally available to anyone else. I began to start and end each day counting my blessings. 
I know there were times my son felt abandoned but I knew in my heart if I was going to survive I had to let go. I came to see that I was wasting the life God had given me filled with worry and fear and I had to make a decision to do something different. When I turned and walked toward a new path my heart was heavy but I knew it was best for myself as well as my son. Today I am so grateful that I had the strength to do that and that my son found his way home. Life is good. Be patient, be believing, Trust God.